THCreate

Discussion after discussion, year after year, my ex claimed she needed time apart from me to clear her head about us. 2020 is looking more familiar, more similar to 2018 when she spoke of separation before. I thought this whole time we were working on bettering our relationship. If we can get through one rough patch, we should be able to conquer this too. Now, like an A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie song, she says she wants to be alone.

If you were to look at my relationship from a public perspective, you would think we were the perfect family of four–two handsome men and two gorgeous girls. If you were to look at my ex’s social media, I am non-existent. There’s nothing wrong with concealing your home-life from social media, but that action sparked unanswerable questions even I couldn’t answer. to my family and friends.

So she says she wants to be alone. We have children. What will separation look like?

Firstly, the thought of separation after multiple attempts at repairing a broken relationship is sickening. Secondly, the thought of not seeing my children everyday is not a reality I am prepared for. As the primary caretaker of my children, a reduced schedule of anything less than six days a week is unacceptable. When I made children, I made sure I was going to have them with the person I wanted to be with forever. It’s a shame my ex didn’t want the same.

Since April 2020, this Pandemic blessed me with one-on-one time with my children. Not many parents, fathers at that, can be around their children without going crazy. However, I love knowing my children are safe, being educated, eating healthily, and above all having fun with me. The thoughts of arranging a joint custody schedule is such a let-down. I never thought I would be in this situation. I never thought I would be a statistic. Why can’t we just work it out? Simple answer. When someone’s mind is made up, there’s no changing that mentality.

You still want her but want to honor her choice. How?

She wants to be alone and I am exhausted trying to show her what she would be missing out on. She knows separation means losing a man who is a great father, a man who takes care of his children, a man who accepts her for who she is despite the problems. But does she understand the magnitude of such a selfish request? Is it really selfish or just her personal choice?

I’ve honored her choice by taking the painful first step of moving on–moving out. This will prove that I can give her the space she desires, while implementing a schedule for the children on a mature level. Gone are the days of crying and begging for a remedy. I will not burn myself out on someone who doesn’t want me or see the progress I’ve made in repairing years of uncertainty.

I’ve stopped the mental check-ins and stopped asking if she changed her mind. I’ve begun the process of moving on, still holding on to that bit of hope we might one day again be a unit. That’s the optimism I have.

Is this the end?

My mind thinks this is temporary, that she will open her eyes to the actions I have taken in clearing our apartment of my belongings. Four years of my memories put into a storage unit in a matter of two days. She doesn’t budge. She wanted this. This is the clarity she has been seeking. It’s unfortunate we as humans go through life birthing children with the person we don’t stay with.

The last thing I want is separation. The last thing I want is my family to be broken up.

Admitting unhappiness, I desired to change.

I’ve been unhappy for a long time. Not with myself but the thought of our confusing relationship and our feelings of what we want from life.

I was tired of residing with a woman who lacked goals and a drive for herself. I was tired of arguing and the pet peeves associated with living with another person about cleanliness. I was tired of the verbal and heated conversations where we weren’t seeing eye to eye. I was tired of my demeanor being confused with sarcasm. I was tired of begging for love that wasn’t matching my expectation.

In the end, you see couples argue and have their ups and downs. I thought we could overcome this, together, and persevere, like all the other decade-long couples who have been in our shoes. We have such an amazing story, that throwing this all away in an instant feels like such disrespect! How can I personally move on from this and want to rekindle any flame in any future we may have together? Call me a bit irate, but this isn’t what I planned and now I am taking a detour in my life plans, away from the woman I wanted to spend life with.

We both have fought for our relationship but her desire to move forward with me is nonexistent. All she wants is to be alone and be the independent adult she claims I prevented her from being.