THCreate

Relationships are tough. It is without a doubt that any relationship requires time, patience, love, understanding, trust and many other elements. More importantly, if a relationship doesn’t have these attributes, it usually crumbles like a cookie forcing both parties to go there separate ways.

Letting Go

Recently, I severed ties with a woman I envisioned spending the rest of my life with. The mother of my two children, whom I have dated off-and-on for almost eleven years has finally came to an end. It ended due to a lack of trust and a lack of trying to move forward together as a couple who has battled everything together.

In 2018, I realized being a parent and being with the mother of my children was more important than living a life outside the home because I was unhappy in the home. I don’t regret my decisions, but I do apologize for not leaving sooner because I wasn’t happy. I was happy with the idea that the same mother and father of two children could make it work. After all, our children have conditions, and to think she walked away from me feels as equally as her walking out on all of us.

I don’t mean walking out of the home–because I took the initiative to do that. I chose not to stay in contentment and comfortability. I knew I was being lied to as nothing ever get romantically or sensually better between us. Between a rejected proposal, a refusal to wearing promise rings and more, all the signs led that she wasn’t trying to repair us–she wanted to live the life she thought I blocked from her.

Denial

In this phase, my heart was emotionally torn and unable to accept such news. My heart was saying stay and keep fighting to make it work–so I did– but my head wasn’t thinking clearly as I knew there was no repairing our love if she felt this way without wanting to seek intervention. I was in denial because I was completely flabbergasted at what just transpired. My kids’ mother went out of town the last weekend in August 2020 claiming to go to a friends birthday party. Whether or not it was true, I had my suspicions and for very good reason based on her actions. So that denial led to anger.

Anger

By nature, I am a calm and collective person who analyzes situations before reacting. Anger built up but for reason of uncertainty. As quickly as my anger came, it quickly left when I discovered the truth. I discovered that the past two-and-a-half years while I was trying to fix a past of issues was covered by lies and deceit. I could turn that into more anger but I would essentially be hurting myself and that is realizingly unproductive.

Bargaining

I chuckle at this phase of a break-up because I look back at how I tried to defend repairing our relationship, when in reality, her mind was made up. I tried rectifying our relationship and asking questions like what If I promise to work on communication or how can I communicate better so we are on the same page. She would emotionally shake her head in disagreement, even knowing she was potentially losing the one person who genuinely loved her.

Depression

I was depressed for half of September after processing the reality of separation on Friday, September 4, 2020. I was depressed for good reason. I wanted a woman to stay with me because I tried to convince her I changed for the better. What did I change? I changed effectual and frequent communication, I quit complaining about the lack of intimacy, I tried to give more time, but I soon realized why every effort I was making was being shun. On September 14, I told myself I wasn’t crying anymore. After one final conversation on September 21, as a last ditch-effort I tried to salvage our lengthy relationship. I tried to plead why we can and will work if she let go of the past and seek counseling. Her refusal only now makes sense why she wasn’t in it to win it.

Acceptance

Accepting her choice to separate was not easy. I tried processing her choice and realized that you cannot change a person or their mind. I do not chase and I do not beg. That is completely out of character for me, as is everything I have done up to this point to be happy.

All in all, I’m happy with my decision to walk away from something toxic. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life and awaiting the day I meet a woman who loves me entirely and has the effort to work things out without resorting to walking away. I love longevity and the idea of spending life alongside a woman with the same vision as I.

Here’s to change. May the full moon on October 1st, 2020 bring a stimulating change for the better. Such a dynamic time when intentions and desires are brought to light and plans are made regarding relationships.