THCreate

Recently, I have been going through an emotional roller coaster I didn’t think I had in me. I’m a strong person mentally. I recover from emotions quickly. But why do I feel compelled to wait for a woman who wanted separation from me and has moved on herself, seeking the companion of another man? My thoughts don’t consume me, but I realized I cannot continually waste energy on a woman who doesn’t reciprocate the same energy I am exerting. The problem: we have two children and that’s the hardest part about making it work for the kids.

Offering Her A Chance To Talk It Out

Years prior, my ex and I have had a difficult time listening to one another or taking the other seriously. Her problems with me stemmed from what she considered a lack of communication–which in reality, was a lack of listening. I heard her, I listened, but she felt if I didn’t agree with her, then I was the bad guy.

When infidelity put a halt to our title-less relationship in 2018, I thought I made the right decision choosing her over the next woman. Today I would be proved wrong. I offered counseling in September and she refused the idea of getting help to move on from our past wrongs. I say our because we have both done each other wrong, whether or not I was mainly the person not wanting to be committed to the mother of his children.

In September, when we first talked about where we were going as a couple, she made it clear I was not on her to-do list or a priority. I offered therapy and she denied help. When I moved out, she possibly had a change of heart. Monday, October 12, she found her way to my residence, crying, feeling confused on her emotions while taking my emotions into account. Why? She met someone else and without admitting it, she is imbalanced between choosing me over him. Ironically, she admitted wanting therapy to see if it could help her. I don’t want her to choose me because I say, but because she should know my heart and the changes I made and that any relationship requires work and patience. Her refusing to see that now has made me realize by staying, waiting around, that I am the backup to a potentially failed rebound plan.

You’re Not A Rebound

I’m no one’s second choice. If you are reading this, NEVER BE SOMEONE’s NUMBER TWO. If she can’t put me first as I have put her, then there’s no need to waste energy into someone who claims they care but wants time for themselves. I’ve been waiting around since 2018. It’s 2020. What do we call that? We call that time. We resided together from 2013 to September 2020. I moved out and now she has all the time in the world, but I will not be waiting around and am not obligated to.

You are worth more to someone who cares about the changes you made and are worth more to someone who sees the inner light in you. If you aren’t, don’t waste your energy or your breath. I thought by speaking and displaying true emotions I never emit, that that was the eye opener. Unfortunately, not for me. The things I did to get her back, any woman would hint that this is true change and should bite the bait.

What hurts is that no matter the genuine display of affection I portrayed in wanting her back, she wasn’t seeing it. She has emotions, she cries at times when we speak on what it is I’m wanting from her. So doesn’t that mean she cares? Maybe? Maybe not? She’s conflicted. She’s having to take my feelings in account while trying to decide if moving on from me is what she wants. I plead my emotions now because I don’t want to be chosen later. It’s not fair to me that I continue to live life and hope she pops up when it is convenient for her. That’s not okay with me.

Her Choosing Another Over You

Without sounding demanding and assertive, If she is going to choose me, it’s a matter of now–not later. Why? I will wait on no woman to put me second when I have put her first. Additionally, we have two children, we have a near 10-year history, we have an amazing story. I’ve completely changed, I’ve shown I can listen and have always been a calm person.

But Lucas, she denied your engagement, broke your heart, stepped out and played you like a book when you thought were moving forward together. That may be true, but there has to be a more significant meaning to why I feel I must wait around for her to be ready. She could potentially think what I did to her by talking to other women was okay because she stayed around, but the same is not the same for me.

I left our apartment together because I was fed up with the uncertainty that plagued our title-less relationship. If she isn’t changing now, she never will. And I will not always be here waiting as patiently as I have.

If fate has us opposing ways, than shall be it. It will be unfortunate adjusting to co-parenting from different homes because it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be the same statistic I was as a child.

Emotions of my Children

To see my children’s emotions also taking a toll hurts me because my children have always been under my wing. I’m left with being the good guy who against his will has no choice but adapt to joint custody, all because their mother all of a sudden wants to step up. It makes me sick. I’m no asshole because I clearly understand she birthed them, but she hasn’t been there for them in the way they needed before, why now?

I don’t want to hear some people needed a life change to be better because parenting is a serious topic to me. Having a son in speech therapy, having a daughter who’s epileptic, I know what to do in those instances of medical crises. These are real life problems. Not excuses. It worries me to death wondering if they are safe as I have always provided that security blanket to my children.

Serious Talks With My Young Children

What makes separation more surreal is having the father-daughter talk. The discussion with a 4-year-old about no man should EVER ask you to sit on his lap, ask to see your private parts, ask to kiss you on the lips, are a bit of reality I’ve had to go over with my little one. It’s the not knowing and having to trust that their mother is going to protect them from anyone who could harm them is what worries me. We all see the articles on the news and I pray to the Lord he keeps my babies safe when they are away from my side. I know humans go through separation but I am different because all this man wants is his family together. I can’t do that alone without the help of their mother and that is what makes it difficult. She’s stubborn. I’m practical.

Therapy

I drifted a bit from the original topic but my ex decided to do couples therapy. I told her I would pay for therapy if she attended to see how we could resolve our problems together as a couple looking to better our relationship together and help her express her sorrows to move on from the past. I hate living on the past and my ex’s downfall is the past always resurfaces–in any small argument, it ignites like a wildfire.

Therapy went well and the therapist suggested we listen to each other. Most of what we already know and what I already said is being expressed by a professional. If this isn’t enough to persuade her she is messing up by not choosing me as I am, then there never will be a chance. It’s not to say never say never, but for reasons I stated earlier, I’m no one’s number two.

We discussed how therapy went after my ex asked to talk about it and we were able to laugh about it, discuss our emotions and observe each other in this new reality. I know I am running out of time because she still admits to talking to someone, which doesn’t give me hope. It mostly gives me the courage to move on from her–not that I’m looking for a relationship or a rebound–but I have moved on. I just need to isolate her tears from where I stand in my head because I’ve made it plain as day what I want. That might be my problem. She sees me chasing and chasing hard and I have to separate that she is the mother of my kids and nothing more.

Just Move On Already

I already took the steps needed to move on mentally, emotionally and physically. I think I will stick with listening to my brain over my heart in this matter. As for therapy, our goals are two different. She sees therapy as a way for us to communicate for the sake of our children; I see it as a method of helping her release past pains to move forward together. I don’t want to cancel therapy after one session, but there’s no point in trying anymore.