THCreate

Happy New Year 2021

I haven’t posted a blog in months, mostly because I’ve dealt a great amount of energy into personal fitness, my children and education–my children’s education also. I apologize to those who frequent my posts, because I do enjoy writing, so I will try my best to do better. Happy New Year 2021 to every person out there, as I pray great things come to you this year.

Where I Stand After Separation

If you recall my immediate posts in September 2020 about how I was handling my near-11-year-relationship, it was tough. It was tough to accept what was and what was coming for my life. The changes I would be forced to endure. The criticism I could have faced when describing my emotions to my family. Blessedly, I learned to bottle up and express cathartically my emotional hurt as to avoid feeling deeper pain.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy moving on from my high school sweetheart, though my actions of moving on simply conveyed otherwise. I know my worth and know my energy has more value to it than exerting it on a human who sees through me like glass. I can’t forge a past of arguments, verbal abuse, or lack of empathy, though that is what ultimately led to separation. I changed my ways, I proposed years ago and started acting more like a husband, but it was never good enough.

After several phone calls with my brother over the past four months, he helped reinforce to me what my priorities were and act on them. Priorities such as: finalizing my Bachelor Degree, converting pain into gain in the gym and being the best father I can be have ben my focus. In addition, I had to learn to separate my emotion when the coparenting really became reality, and it was hard. I’ve always been with my children and even one day of sharing them with their mother pains me, for it seems like a facade.

Thanks to the 2020 Pandemic, I was blessed to retain my job on a Leave of Absence, while focusing on the educational needs of my son and health concerns of my daughter. Taking time off work was a blessing in disguise, crucial to assisting my mental health from what I experienced in my former relationship.

Needless to say, I have moved on as well as anyone could from years of living with someone. It’s been four months and still no plans of rekindling the flame seem valid. Not because it’s not what I want, but because the other party doesn’t want me. I can’t dwell on that notion, only learn from it and move on. My children can’t see a weak father, but they can see their father as the one who has respect for their mother amicably.

So, where does Lucas stand today? I stand alone, putting my faith in God, trusting that things will work out how the universe allows it. I know what I want, who I want, but if the time is right, do I accept it just because they were possibly hurt? Or do I stick to my guns and regretfully, yet respectfully, decline? I continue to look ahead, choosing to not look back. We all make time for who and what we want. It’s unfortunate that my children became the statistic I was as a child; the product of a mother and father separated at a young age.

What’s hurt my former relationship with my children’s mother is the past. A past so distorted it made what looked real, not. I had hoped that through everything I’ve done, apologizing, couple’s therapy, space, that it was going to win her back. But, I didn’t. If a woman can’t see the serious changes I made, she wasn’t worth it as much as that hurts to write.

Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past. – Dan Brown